So New Year's Eve party was really great! :D

My dear friends.... I wouldn't be unhappy if I had gone to the other ones...
Yeah, sorry. I just couldn't.

Tomorrow's the 2nd January... The day when the two will come back.

...
I won't say a word.


I'm just too disappointed.
Too hurt.
Too much pain.
Too much tears.
And I've got a feeling of losing you.
Sorry.
But... it feels like...
Maybe I was never meant to be by your side.
Maybe I was never meant to be your important one.
Maybe zodiac signs tell the truth after all... I can't deal with my parents, as well.
Maybe it's the beginning of the end.
I don't wear it anymore.
I won't miss you so much anymore.
I won't be happy anymore.
... If it doesn't change soon!

Yesterday evening I was sad because I couldn't be with you.
I slightly made it up with Cris.
How ironical - Made it up with her but not with you.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit responsible but after all it wasn't me who has interfered in our affairs.

WAS SOLL DER SCHEISS?? .... für seine Freunde einstehen, das ich nicht lache... ich kann diesen übertriebenen Beschützerinstinkt nicht mehr sehen. Du weißt genauso gut wie ich, dass ich sie nicht verletzen will... warum tust du so, als wäre ich jetzt böse? Nein, natürlich war das nicht böse gemeint....

.... ... ... . Was soll ich tun? ... Was soll ich tun? .... . . . Es tut so weh!! Es tut so verdammt weh!!! Ich kann es nicht einfach an mir abprallen lassen!! Diese ganzen Anschuldigungen waren gar nichts dagegen..... Ich möchte schreien, einfach nur schreien... Du redest davon deine Freunde zu beschützen. Und verletzt dabei solche?

Du sagst mir, ich soll mich nicht einmischen und tust es selbst. Wieso tust du das?

Ich heule hier schon wieder rum wie sonst was... ... Sorry, aber in dem Bezug kann ich nicht stark sein. Ich hatte gehofft nie das Gefühl zu haben, von den eigenen Freunden betrogen zu werden. Ist aber so. Zu unrecht für etwas bestraft, was ich nicht mal getan habe. Woran ich nur 1% schuld trage. Ist es nicht ein schönes Gefühl? ...... Als ob man vollkommen alleine dastünde.... auch wenn's so nicht ist.

Was hab ich denn bitte falsch gemacht!? WAS? ... Ach stimmt... ich hätte nie mein Herz einschalten sollen........ Wie gut, dass ich nie mit dir zusammengezogen bin..... Warum tust du mir das an? ...... Und dennoch werde ich morgen wieder anrufen. Ich werde es wieder sein.

Weil ich sie nicht so fahren lassen will... Das ist schlimmer als gar keinen Abschied zu nehmen. VIEL schlimmer....  

And you can't protect me. And I can't protect you.

I don't want anything for Christmas. I just want a break from everything and everyone. And here... sure nobody understands it. What am I expecting? Nothing.

I hate this year's Christmas... Since 30 minutes ago I could only cry.... I hate this. ... fuck off... I am crying.

It isn't some kind of winter depression. I love winter.

I don't know if you can answer this question as long as you're not in the situation. I mean, imagining and living are two different things.
Of course I could say "Hell yeah! If my loved one only suffers?!" or also say "No, that's too mean! I'm too gutless" but in the end I would do the opposite if it comes to this point.

I won't say I wouldn't terminate his/her life.
But I also won't say that I would do it.

But for real: I would be there in his/her last moments. This is what I know for sure because I would want to smile at the person so she/he knows that there isn't any reason to be worried about. And also because the person should know, that I love her/him and never forget him. This is some part of my character. This is what I can promise. I would be there.

Since when have we lost
The wonderful things that we need somewhere?
I fear the connection to [your] heart
& I buried myself with my body
During those days [when] I [lied] everyday about my fear,
You were already in my heart

If we can think deeply
That someday time will end here,
I thought that will always love you
& I'll be holding out my hand [to you]

Love is such a scary thing
That's why we run away as we search for it
It no longer has anything to do with being an adult or being a child

This feels just like it's my first love
So much so that I feel like it must be fate
Not even in my dreams do I feel
The way I do when we hold each other

If we can't meet each other,
I couldn't laugh this way [like when I'm with you]
This year, the happiest thing is
Being able to be by your side

Can't sleep properly.

And all just because of one simple arrangement... one simple talk.
... No, it isn't simple. Wednesday's the day, when I'll lose my former best friend forever.
I'm scared but I know that I can't go on right if I keep it in my mind.
Soon it'll be over, soon my life's okay again....

and if I have to cry again on Wednesday I will, because it would be the last time.

Oh.... about this topic...
What am I for you.....?

Tomorrow's my birthday and I don't want to celebrate it. There are so many other things which has to be done, I will stay at university until 4 o'clock pm and yeah... that's it.
So I also don't want any birthday greetings.

But nevertheless...

I've got one wish.

It's so simple but it's from the button of my heart...

For tomorrow... I simply wish someone who stands with a bouquet of orange asters or white orchids and tell me:
"I love you."
 

Oh... that's so corny, isn't it?
Hmmm.... but I would really appreciate it...
 

I give my best and that's it.

It was strange but I was relieved not being on my own.
For the first time of my life today I was happy to be with this family. I can't describe it concretely but... it was nice, it felt warm...
Well... so much years which passed by.
The only thing I really missed is that... it doesn't felt like being with grandparents until the good-bye... It was strange.
I didn't expect anything from this meeting and I think that it turned out well... I can't say how this relationship will proceed but maybe... better than in the past.


(Creepy English... I'm sorry...)
 

I haven't written anything for a week I guess.

Well, indeed there's nothing I could write about except that I tidied up my room, that I tried on another comic that I sewed that my dearest one visited me about 1.5 day. Nothing special.
Maybe it's better than anything else. I don't know.
Today I refused the meeting which I had had with some friends because of the show in October. I was too tired and absolutely not in the mood for dancing and singing. Since the last two days I really want to enjoy the autumn time with reading, drawing, drinking tea and watching movies.
Autumn is the season I always enjoy the most. The colour of the leaves, the fresh breeze, the rain... I love it all. There's nothing better than this.
Autumn is a season of memories. You think a lot about the past and the present and you are grateful for all the great memories you can keep as a treasure.

I remembered back my school days when... it was a strange feeling because I missed them a bit. I think it's all because of work - you are working so much, not every day in the week but always the days when you could usually meet your friends, because they are free.
So after work you do the shopping, then cleaning the flat, eating dinner and finally get some hours before sleeping and working again. That's what I've learned since last week my parents went on a trip. I'm a bit envied of my friends who are still going to school. It was great to see my friends each day, to do some homework and then do whatever you want. It was great to have a strict but gently time schedule and free week ends. But this is what the real life is all about. Work is important to survive and to live in some welfare.
Hmm... autumn also makes me remembering some other things with family.
Today we looked through the photos my dad took on their trip. We also found some videos on the hard disk of our DVD recorder. It was strange to see yourself 10 years younger. It also made me a bit sad - I think I had a nice childhood. I couldn't complain about it, even though school days weren't always as easy as they could be.
I think being an adult isn't that great. When you're a child you always want to be an adult because you could stay up late, you could watch cool movies, go out, have long calls with friends, get a lot of money and so on... but in fact it's nothing big. With being an adult you also have to take a lot of responsibilities and your free time is so much less than before. That's why I think that I'm grateful to have a good childhood.

But today I was also sad because of something else. Yesterday and today was the big move. I still don't know what to say.
It's not like she completely moved away but it feels like she moved away from me. I cannot describe it exactly. It's a weird feeling.
When she told me that somebody has also the opinion that she and Uli built a slight distance wall to the others I lied to her because I couldn't say "It's true. I feel like this, too" . Maybe it was because I know deep in my heart that I shouldn't think that way and that it's silly to blame someone for this - because it's always the same with people: someones get along more well than others. "It's a naturally thing" I tried to tell myself. But indeed it's also that I can't keep this thought straight forward. The last weeks and months were a proof for it... a ridiculous proof but a proof. I'm disappointed and sad but also relieved. I lied for her sake. I lied because I don't want to cry. I lied because I know I would hurt her a bit if I tell her so.
That was the first real lie I've ever told her, I guess. It feels miserable AND okay... was it right to did it?
Whatever... I don't know how to think and act in the future...
My work clamped me so much - I won't moan because it's a good job! - I can't spend enough time with my friends.
But which bothers me the most is the fact that I wasted some time during my school days...
Chasing after the dream of playing volleyball in a higher league made me narrow-minded. I only aimed for this one goal. I regret that I couldn't fall in love with a handsome guy during the teenager period. (I know it's never too late for love, but being in love during this time is something special, amazing thing...) No, that's wrong... I'm sorry that I couldn't help the one lovership I wanted at first. Breaking up before the real love has started... Nowadays I don't know whether I was too shallow or too naive for this topic.
Hm... but it's in the past - and we live in the moment.
Sometimes I want to turn back the time so badly... but I know that's impossible and so I try to live with all the pain and joy now.
I'm happy that I'm not alone. Being alone is one of my biggest fears...
Losing my dearest people is the second one.

I'm already weak.
And I don't want to break down.
'cause I want to be strong.
 

It's so painful... I'm so scared and feeling alone...

But I have to keep my smile up!
 

... sometimes it's so hard to smile.


Why can't anyone help?
Why isn't it possible??


I want to cry...
 

Can't I just live in my world a little longer?

Can't I keep my hopes up a bit more?

Unfair... Don't tell me the truth which I try to avoid so much...
 

Take care of your body - don't underestimate any pain.